Part Twelve

See The World, Subjugate The Ocean

“Kids Learning English” Story #1

A friend of a friend is looking for a Native Speaker to judge an English Speech competition at UNY (Universitas Negeri Yogyakarta) in the first week in January and I enthusiastically volunteer. For the first round, the 12 competitors have prepared speeches about:

a) Whether the Indonesian government lowering the price of fuel was a good idea (All agree: YES!)

b) How Obama’s victory will affect Indonesia in the coming years (All agree: President Obama will be good for Indonesia! Because he used to live here!)

c) The Young Leader Phenomenon (Each one mentions Obama’s victory over McCain and makes a vague reference to how younger leaders know more about things like The Internet.)

Most of the speeches are mediocre and repetitive, with few coherent arguments coming across. Five finalists move on to the second -and final- round, in which they’re given 10 minutes to prepare a brief speech on “Israel’s Recent Aggression Toward Palestine”.

The frontrunner from the first round once again gives the best-pronounced, best-thought-out speech. However, her speech is barely 5 minutes long and before addressing the topic she takes a moment to define the word “Holocaust” and brings up discrepancies between different groups’ claims about how many people were killed in the Holocaust, plainly explaining that: “The Jew uses the Holocaust to get sympathy from the rest of the world…” [That’s right. ‘The Jews’ would have been special enough, but no. The Jew (singular). Like how Borat says it.]

However, her arguments and her English are by far the best of the group and she wins easily. To her credit, she goes on to acknowledge that the issue is a complicated one and that blame cannot be laid solely at the feet of… The Jew.

This is the nightmare tree with long human-sized fingers

for roots next to where we park our bikes.

“Kids Learning English” Story #2

The same acquaintance needs help a few days later, so I join Dora (Darmasiswa from Hungary) in administering a conversational English test at a school where Indonesian kids are trained to work on American and Dutch cruise ships.

The test covers basic introductions and personal information, then describing a few simple photographs. They’ve only been studying English for a few months, but some show remarkable progress. When asked why he wants to work on a cruise ship, one young man happily replies: “I wish to work on cruise ship so I can see many places and subjugate the ocean.”

“Ha ha ha," I say, "Uhh, are you sure that’s the word you want to use?”

He nods earnestly. “Yes, yes! Subjugate!”

“Kids Learning English” Story #3

When Jeannie goes on a school field trip, one of her [normally conservative] female tutors arrives wearing a t-shirt with this on it:


If there were any questions about how much English this tutor knows, this would answer them. Jeannie opts not to explain the meaning of the shirt to the tutor, to avoid an immensely awkward conversation and –I expect- hysterical outburst of shame from the girl.

[Australian] Carla and I have been practicing for weeks, putting together a set under the name Kilat Khusus (from an Indonesian postal service slogan alluding to their lightning speed, a reference I find particularly laughable since the package I’ve been expecting has taken more than a month to arrive). Some moments sound a little like Glass Candy or Suicide or The Deckers. Audio/video evidence of a possible show in late January will follow.

We’ll have to work quickly though since they just got word that Darmasiswa canceled the Short Course for Second Semester, so Carla, my friend Alexandros, his sister, and all the rest who were applying to extend their studies for the rest of the year are out of luck and will have to vacate the country soon. This is especially lame since the administrators here were telling them all along that extending their programs would be no problem. (Apparently it was 100% possible right up until the day it suddenly wasn’t.)

I recognize Pooh and Mickey, but which Copyrighted character

is that blue …thing on the right supposed to be?

“Kids Learning English” Story #4

Helping kids learn English is fun, so I agree to take Maya (Darmasiswa from Wisconsin)’s place speaking English at a local high school. This assignment turns out to mean accompanying a group of a couple hundred kids to a local herb plantation, then to a park at Kaliurang (near the foot of Mt. Merapi). It also means free lunch.

Seen from outside, Kaliurang is super cool; tall hills covered with jungle trees arouse the imagination. Unfortunately, upon entering one finds paved paths and state park-style structures everywhere. The group of students -which includes several contestants from the Speech Competition from the previous week- crowds around me to practice conversation and endure long, ranting answers to their questions about American culture.

My excitement at seeing “wild” monkeys for the first time fades quickly. The park monkeys are less wretched than the cats and dogs I’ve seen in town, though they are afflicted with the same hideously drooping Malnourishment Teats.

As one monkey scampers along about 20 feet away from me, my eyes catch a quick flash of red. I follow him to get better look and that’s when I see the Worst Thing I Will See In This Country. This poor monkey has sustained a terrible injury to the balls. His sac has been slashed or torn on the right side and movement pulls the wound apart, revealing a wedge of the bright red stuff inside.

After attempting to draw this horror at home with unsatisfactory results, I manage to recreate it using a pink t-shirt inside a plastic bag. From behind, this poor monkey’s pouch looked like this:

And yet, there in the park, somehow no one else seems to share my dismay. They can't NOT notice. How could ...THAT... be unremarkable? FOR GOD'S SAKE, SOMEBODY RENDER SOME ASSISTANCE!

But they don't. The injured monkey disappears, the field trip concludes without further incident, and they give me some nice batik for my trouble. The End.